On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
