he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
