Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
