Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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