Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
