I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize