The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
