I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
