I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
