im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
