she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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