Whatcha textin bout Willis?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
