I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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