Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
