i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
