I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize