There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
