I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
