24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
