well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
