She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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