the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
