Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
