i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
