I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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