I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
