Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
