I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
