Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
