I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
