I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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