Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
