the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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