She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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