When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
it's like heaven, but drunker
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
