she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
