my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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