I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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