I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize