you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
