Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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