it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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