Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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