I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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