I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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