Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize