wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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