Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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