Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
