He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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