If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Let's get the cat blown out
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
