so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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