I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize