"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
being pregnant is like rehab
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
