i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
