You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
