8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
