Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
