I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
