My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
