She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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