walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
