mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
