Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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