exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
